Unsolicited Advice
Trust dogs. They always know who to stay away from.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
Don't give up your dreams, keep on sleeping.
Writing. Like. This. Doesn't. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger.
Nothing ruins a Friday like realizing it's Wednesday.
Don't be sad, because sad backward is das and das not good.
Don’t be ashamed of yourself — that’s a job for your parents.
Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘would an idiot do that?’ if they would, I do not do that thing.
When you want to annoy someone at work, use air quotes when addressing their work title.
If you can’t blind them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense.
In case of fire, exit the building before tweeting about it.